Chet, the Amazing Christmas Parrot

OK, it's Christmas time, and this guy's wife sits him down and says, "Look, every year you get me a crappy Christmas gift, and I'm sick of it. Either you get me a good gift this year, or there's going to be hell to pay." Well, the guy loves his marriage and he doesn't want to risk it, so early in December he heads out to the malls and tries to find the "perfect gift." He can't find anything. He tries and tries, but just can't come up with that special gift.

Finally, it's Christmas eve, and he's out in the snow wandering the streets of his hometown looking for a gift. He's desperate, and at the end of his rope. Just then, he sees a neon light in a pet store window saying, "COME SEE CHET, THE AMAZING CHRISTMAS PARROT." The guy figures he has nothing to lose at this point, and in he goes. The pet store owner greets him, and the guy says, "Can I see Chet, the Amazing Christmas Parrot?"

"Excellent," the owner says, "Let me get him."

In a few moments, the owner comes out from the back carrying a cage with a blanket over it. He pulls off the blanket and says, "Voila! I give you Chet, the Amazing Christmas Parrot." The guy, seeing a pretty ordinary-looking bird in the cage, says, "Well, it's just a bird."

"Ah, but wait!" the owner says. "And watch this.

The owner then strikes a match and holds it under Chet's left foot. The bird all of a sudden starts to sing "Silent Night," and it's in the most beautiful falsetto voice the guy has ever heard. It brings tears to his eyes. The guy is very impressed, but the pet owner says, "Wait, there's more!" He then lights a match and holds it under Chet's right foot. Chet starts singing "Jingle Bells." Perfect voice, great rhythm, it's just great. Well, the guy can't believe this performance, and he tells the pet store owner, "Wrap it up, I'll take it!"

He goes home and sleeps the sleep of angels, knowing he's finally gotten his wife the perfect Christmas gift. The following morning, as they are opening presents, the wife turns to the guy and says, "OK, it's go time, Honey. Either you show me my wonderful gift, or there's going to be hell to pay."

"Don't worry, sweetheart, you're going to love it," the guy says, and pulls out the cage with the blanket over it.

"Voila!," he says, "I give you Chet, the amazing Christmas parrot!"

The woman looks at the bird for a bit, and then says, "Well, it's just a bird."

"But wait, honey," the guy says, as he holds a match under Chet's left foot. Chet starts singing "Silent Night" again in the same beautiful voice. As the guy is there with a tear in his eye, the wife is not impressed. "So," she says. "It's a bird that sings. Big deal."

"Honey!," the guy says. "I can't believe you're not impressed. But wait, there's more." He holds a match under Chet's right foot, and the bird starts in on "Jingle Bells." But still, the wife is not impressed. The guy is going out of his mind with desperation at this point, and he's sweating bullets. In an act of utter desperation, he holds the match right under Chet's crotch. Just then, the bird starts to sing:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."