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(Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people. Their last names have been withheld.)
To: Jim
From: Jodi
If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me know your selection
by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
-- Broiled Sole Fillets - lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
rice pilaf
-- Popcorn Shrimp - bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked potato
-- Grilled Chicken Breast - marinated boneless chicken breast served
with rice pilaf
-- Chicken Fresco - baked chicken tenderloins & vegetables all in
a light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with fresh
brocolli
Thanks!
Jodi
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To: Jodi
From: Jim
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to
order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead
it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I
don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "Chicken
Fresco". In fact, I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to
see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes
by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine,
with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans
making this wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle.
I want several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth
to be so soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want
a meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell
off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us
to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls
these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return
to work afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the
director's office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse
to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to generate
gossip. I want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers launched
and others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before
and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon
to change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't
have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
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